Contemplation

Is there anything more comforting than that first cup of tea? William Blake contemplated eternity in a grain of sand; I contemplate eternity in a steaming cup of strong Earl Grey. Tea invites contemplation. With each sip, I contemplate my day. The moments I want to savor. The things I need to accomplish versus things I want to accomplish.

The household wakes as I finish that first cup. Life happens. Messy, noisy, exuberant life. There is a different energy now. This energy requires a more robust, full-flavored, brew: coffee. No time for contemplation. Just drink and go.

Night falls. The house quiets. I turn once again to tea. Inviting the introspection as I sip. Letting the brew calm and relax me.

There is something comforting about bracketing my day with tea. A gentleness. A peace. Excuse me…the kettle is whistling.

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Today’s accomplishments…

As part of letting go of my unrealistic expectations, I’ve started listing what I accomplished at night before retiring. If I look at what I wanted/hoped to accomplish, then I’m irritated, frustrated, and upset with myself. I believe I should be able to accomplish so much more even when I’m in extreme pain. By listing what I accomplished, I silence all the negative emotions.

Today I….made a homemade pie crust that actually turned out perfect (first time ever!), finished beading one vest panel, watched a video on how to cut up a whole chicken**, followed the video and cut up a chicken, helped the Elf with his math, helped the Pixie with her spelling, and started on Christmas cards.

It might not be everything I wanted to accomplish, but it was more than I thought.

 

**This is the video I watched: https://youtu.be/qTcvt23MV2A . I highly recommend this video and this channel. Maangchi is joy to watch and her recipes are really easy to follow and taste great!

Returning to blogging…

Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. As my birthday draws steadily closer I’ve been examining my life. Trying to find what brings my joy, what relaxes me, what keeps my stress levels low. One of the things I realized looking back over previous years was I how happy I was when I was reviewing/blogging. I’m not ready to jump back into reviewing, but blogging…I think I can handle it.

The remainder of this post is going to touch on “Living with Fibromyalgia”. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in February 2009. Apart from one month, I’ve not taken any prescription medication for this illness. I believe one should treat the cause of an illness and not just the symptoms. Doctors don’t know how/what causes this illness, so they prescribe medication to manage the symptoms. That’s not for me.

I want to talk about my day to day struggle with fibromyalgia in the hopes that it might help people understand what’s like to have this illness.  It’s not easy living with a chronic illness.  I often hide my pain. Say I’m fine. Paste a smile on and go about my day. Why? Because healthy people don’t want to hear about my pain. They can’t understand what I feel or why I constantly deny my pain. I pretend to be well. Pretend to have a semi-normal day. It’s not fair; but, it is what is.

For me, the bone, joint, and muscle pain is ever constant. It never fully goes away. Some days it hurts just to open my eyes; the pain is that overwhelming. On those days, I grit my teeth, take two Tylenol, and go about my day. I work part-time, homeschool my three children, and look after household matters. I can’t lie about in bed all day, no matter how much pain wracks my body. This inability to let the pain confine me to my bed has many (including my extended family) believing I exaggerate the effects of fibromyalgia.

It is ongoing struggle for me not to lash out at my family and friends when they complain about how tired or drained they are when they are sick. I want to yell, “This is what my life is like every day. And every day, you look at me like I’m crazy for not being able to join in completely.”

Learning what triggered the intense pain flares was/is the biggest step in coping with my fibromyalgia. I don’t overextend myself. I’ve learned how to say “No.” I make sure to rest before I leave for work; a twenty minute nap works wonders. I watch my gluten intake. Exercise lightly. I don’t spend a lot of time outdoors; high humidity (a year-long given in southern Alabama) is a big trigger. Being indoors with air conditioning helps. Extreme temperature changes can cause flares; as can extended periods of insomnia.

As much as I detest living with this illness, I have learned from it. I’ve learned to slow down, to enjoy life. I revel in the simple things: baking with my kids, dancing in the rain, counting the stars at night. I’ve learned patience. Learned to let go of my unrealistic expectations in regards to what I should be accomplishing. Most of all, I’ve learned how to look for and experience joy even in the darkest of moments.

 

Five….

Five.

Five books.

I’ve read five books this week. Five. It’s an odd thing of which to be joyful. There was time I’d easily read over a dozen books a week. It was a regular occurrence in the past when I ran a review site. For the past seven years I’ve barely managed to read a dozen a year. To read five in one week. Inconceivable.

A beloved friend believes my reading this many books in one week is a sign. It means psychologically I’m returning to a better state. Less stressed. Confidant. Sure of myself. Creative.

At this point, I’m not overthinking it. I’m merely rejoicing about reading five books. It’s a nice number: five. Who knows…it might become my new favorite number.

It’s time…

I have been away from this site for two years. I kept meaning to return. To write. To review. I composed dozens of posts in my head. Never sat down to put them on paper. Promised myself I would update the site “soon”. Procrastination is one my failings.

Why is procrastination a failing for so many? I can’t speak for everyone but as for myself I think I know the answer. I’ve spent the past three months, examining myself and my habits, motives. I am, quite honestly, afraid of failure. Afraid I’ll disappoint. Afraid of exposing myself.  Not to mention, putting things off is so much easier than doing them. In my quest (It has to be a quest; I’m too enamored of fantasy novels for it not be a quest. *g*),  to discover myself, to learn what I truly desire, what brings me happiness, I keep returning to those three main fears.

What is failure? I believe the definition is different for everyone. Where I see abject failure in my life, others see accomplishment. I have to define failure myself. But what is it? Is it failing to meet my daily goals? Or is not trying? I have fibromyalgia. I live in constant pain. There are days I cannot physically accomplishing everything I WANT to, but I accomplish what is NEEDED. If I accomplish what is necessary, then I cannot be failing.

Disappointment. Who am I disappointing? My parents? I have known I would never live up to my mother’s expectations. I am not her favorite child. I will never meet her ideas of me. But that’s okay. I am finally growing into the person I WISH to be. The only one I can disappoint is myself.

Exposing my self. This one is my greatest fear. It’s also the one thing I struggle greatly at overcoming. I often joke that my trust issues have trust issues. It’s true. My struggles with trust stem from my childhood. I find it hard to let people in, to allow them to see my true self.  It’s one of the reasons I wanted to blog. I could allow people to see me without being physically exposed.

I still have a long journey ahead of me, still have much to learn, to discover, to experience. Now is the time to start. No more procrastination.

 

parenting…always a minefield

I told my daughter she couldn’t watch a movie in the living room as I need to work and wanted to listen to music. Now instead of just saying no, I gave her the option to watch the movie on my laptop. She’s in her room crying. *sighs* I feel like the worst mother in the world. Although technically, I shouldn’t as I gave her an alternative. Self-doubt is always the worst part of parenting.