I have been away from this site for two years. I kept meaning to return. To write. To review. I composed dozens of posts in my head. Never sat down to put them on paper. Promised myself I would update the site “soon”. Procrastination is one my failings.
Why is procrastination a failing for so many? I can’t speak for everyone but as for myself I think I know the answer. I’ve spent the past three months, examining myself and my habits, motives. I am, quite honestly, afraid of failure. Afraid I’ll disappoint. Afraid of exposing myself. Not to mention, putting things off is so much easier than doing them. In my quest (It has to be a quest; I’m too enamored of fantasy novels for it not be a quest. *g*), to discover myself, to learn what I truly desire, what brings me happiness, I keep returning to those three main fears.
What is failure? I believe the definition is different for everyone. Where I see abject failure in my life, others see accomplishment. I have to define failure myself. But what is it? Is it failing to meet my daily goals? Or is not trying? I have fibromyalgia. I live in constant pain. There are days I cannot physically accomplishing everything I WANT to, but I accomplish what is NEEDED. If I accomplish what is necessary, then I cannot be failing.
Disappointment. Who am I disappointing? My parents? I have known I would never live up to my mother’s expectations. I am not her favorite child. I will never meet her ideas of me. But that’s okay. I am finally growing into the person I WISH to be. The only one I can disappoint is myself.
Exposing my self. This one is my greatest fear. It’s also the one thing I struggle greatly at overcoming. I often joke that my trust issues have trust issues. It’s true. My struggles with trust stem from my childhood. I find it hard to let people in, to allow them to see my true self. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to blog. I could allow people to see me without being physically exposed.
I still have a long journey ahead of me, still have much to learn, to discover, to experience. Now is the time to start. No more procrastination.